I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a music blog for some time, but it’s not going to happen: I barely keep up with the posting on this blog. So, I’m going to co-opt our blog to talk about lyrics. As many of you know, I write music, pop songs. I hate writing lyrics. I’m very bad at it and I find the whole process agony. I only get around to doing it because, if I don’t, then the songs will never be played.
Because of my own difficulties in writing non-crap lyrics, I especially resent artists who seem to have no concern at all for the quality of their lyrics. For some time, I’ve been keeping track of lyrics that are so amazingly bad they make you laugh. One of my favorites is a classic. I really don’t like Bernie Taupin’s lyrics at the best of times, but he managed to outdo himself on Rocket Man:
Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids//In fact it’s cold as hell//And there’s no one there to raise them if you did
I know what he’s getting at, but it’s painfully ungrammatical. But more to the point: isn’t the Rocket Man going to be there to raise his kids? Is he complaining that there aren’t babysitters or nannies on Mars to take care of the kids so he can go off and get some Martian tail? Go to the bar? What?!
A more recent favorite comes from the band I love to hate, Nickelback:
Look at this photograph//Everytime I do it makes me laugh//How did our eyes get so red?//And what the hell is on Joey’s head?
Gah! What the hell is on Joey’s head? Inquiring minds want to know. A fish? A hamster? A piece of bologna? What, dammit? For their next single, they’ll be setting the Dick & Jane books to music.
But, frankly, these all pale in comparison to what I think is the worst lyric of all time. Courtesy of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, this doozy comes midway through a fantastically bad musical “argument” for atheism called The Only Way (Hymn):
Can you believe, God makes you breathe?
Why did he lose six million Jews?
Yeah, they went there. I didn’t need convincing when I first heard this at 14. But if I did, this sophisticated piece of reasoning was not going to do it.
Well, I’m done. Now it’s your turn: what is the worst lyric you know? Do share.
“He’s not a fake wannabe tryin’ to be a pimp
/He dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans
/He’s a God-sent original, the man of my dreams”
Salt n’ Pepa
In contrast – I’d like to offer some brilliant lyrics from a similar era:
“Just barely got out of school, came from the edge of town. / Fought like a switchblade so no one could take him down. /He had no money, oooh no good at home. /He walked the streets a soldier and he fought the world alone ”
- Skid Row
Non-children’s music category only? Two candidates:
I. The Scorpions, “Rock Me Like a Hurricane”
“The wolf is hungry/He runs the show/He’s licking his lips/He’s ready to win/On the hunt tonight/For love at first sting”
I remember deciphering this tune when it was actually a new song and thinking, “A wolf with a sting? Do they mean the Scorpions themselves? Do scorpions have lips?”
II. Kenny Loggins, “Danger Zone”
“I’ll take you/Right into the Danger Zone/You’ll never say hello to you/Until you get it on the red line overload/You’ll never know what you can do/Until you get it up as high as you can go”
“You’re never say hello to you”? What?
III. REO Speedwagon, “Can’t Fight This Feeling”
“I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for/It’s time to bring this ship into the shore/And throw away the oars/Baby, I cant fight this feeling anymore”
If you’re using oars to propel a ship, you’re screwed in many more serious ways than failing to appreciate the person who loves you.
The Verve Pipe’s late-’90s abortion-regret anthem “The Freshmen” makes me want to absolutely die every time I hear it. Or even think about it.
For the life of me I cannot remember//What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise.//For the life of me I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins.//We were merely freshmen.
Holy crap Dan. Best post ever. The Emerson, Lake, and Palmer is priceless. Why is that not played at Bar Mitzvah’s across the globe?
And Nickelback. I’m gonna say that’s too easy.
As for me… well… I think I’m gonna choose Led Zeppelin. Everyone who loves me knows how I feel about Robert Plant, and now it’s time for me make my case public: “And if you listen very hard/ The truth will come to you at last/ When all are one and one is all/ To be a rock and not to roll/ And she’s buying a stairway/ To heaven…” Jimmy Page + John Bonham – Robert Plant = Paradise.
And Sarah – whomever you are – excellent pick. That song has always given me the heebie geebies.
This is a great post! My favorite love to hate song lyrics are when people rhyme a word with itself.
e.g., Beyonce – Tonight, I’ll be your naughty girl. Calling all my girls.
Oh, and I also have to add the entire song Ironic by Alanis Morissette because almost nothing in that song is actually ironic and it should be renamed “Doesn’t is suck?”
“Rain on your wedding day” may be unpleasant but it’s not really ironic. Maybe she’s implying that they got married on Sunday?
Oh, and I also have to add the entire song Ironic by Alanis Morissette because almost nothing in that song is actually ironic and it should be renamed “Doesn’t it suck?”
“Rain on your wedding day” may be unpleasant but it’s not really ironic. Maybe she’s implying that they got married on Sunday?
Two songs about cheating with terrible lyrics:
1. White Liar by Miranda Lambert
Hey white liar/ The truth comes out a little at a time/ And it spreads just like a fire/ Slips off your tongue like turpentine
You said you went out to a bar/ and walked some lady to her car/ but your face has more to tell/ cause my cousin saw you on the street/with a red head named Bernice/Turns out you don´t lie too well
Why is this song called white liar? Is cheating and hiding it supposed to be a white lie? Is it that the guy is white and a liar? Then again, the cousin only saw him on the street with someone. Maybe he really was walking her to her car. Then he’s not a liar at all. The evidence is circumstantial at best.
2. My Bad by Rayvon
My bad /I should’ve treat you like the skank you are/ Instead I have you riding up in my car/ If I had stuck to my original plan/ You’dve been a one night stand
My bad/I should’ve known you could never be true/ I should’ve treat you like them other guys do/ If you only knew who was cheatin too/ You would see the jokes on you
What irks me about this one is the hypocrisy. She’s a skank for cheating but he’s funny/justified for cheating.
Great song lyrics about cheating:
Papa Loved Momma by Garth Brooks
Papa loved Momma/ Momma loved men/ Momma’s in the graveyard/ Papa’s in the pen
If only I could write this concisely!
I really like Blossom Dearie. But Rhode Island is Famous for You seems a lyric project that mutated after someone was already too in love with it to start over.
I still sing it, but, Nevada? Known for silver. The Grand Canyon? Located in Arizona. And vests from Vest Virginia?
Copper comes from Arizona
Peaches come from Georgia
And lobsters come from Maine
The wheat fields
Are the sweet fields of Nebraska
And Kansas gets bonanzas from the grain
Old whiskey comes from old Kentucky
Ain’t the country lucky
New Jersey gives us glue
And you, you come from Rhode Island
And little old Rhode Island
Is famous for you
Cotton comes from Lou-siana
Gophers from Montana
And spuds from Idaho
They plow land
In the cow land of Missour-a
Where most beef meant
For roast beef seems to grow
Grand canyons come from Colorad-a
Gold comes from Nevada
Divorces also do
And you, you come from Rhode Island
Little old Rhode Island
Is famous for you
Pencils come from Pennsylvania
Vest from Vest Virginia
And Tents from Tent-esee
They know mink where they grow
Mink in Wyo-mink
A camp chair in New Hamp-chair
That’s for me
And minnows come Minnesota
Coats come from Dakota
But why should you be blue?
For you, you come from Rhode Island
Don’t let them ride Rhode Island
It’s famous for you
p.s. love (LOVE) the bedspread/el/bel photo. nice work.
“Diane debutante backseat of Jacky’s car.”
(John Mellencamp — Jack and Diane).
Shudder.
And I even *like* midwestern cheesiness.