I’ve just typed the following dreadful sentences while figuring out how to start this posting: “It’s been a touching summer so far….”, “I’ve been pretty touchy lately….” “Practice makes pervert!” and “I’m having a ball this summer!” (I think I might actually have more in me, but I’ll stop there). You see, this summer I am taking my physical assessment course. This is the course that teaches NPs how to do general wellness exams and the type of focused exams you need to do for musculoskeletal complaints, gynecologic visits, etc.
It’s also the course where you get to touch rubber balls*
We’ve used a number of “examination simulators” for the class so far. My favorite are the giant foam torsos with vaginas and anuses and penises that are all colored a type of peach-pink that is horrifyingly similar to blow-up sex dolls. The torsos are quite frankly funny. And they’re modular! They come with a large selection of diseased prostates, uteri and cervices that can be inserted and switched out at a moment’s notice with these very ungainly plastic rods. “OK, now that we’ve all felt ovarian torsion, let’s move onto the anteverted uterus!” (clink, clank, thunk thunk, sckreeek). The pregnant lady torso has a little bulb you can use to inflate “her” rubber belly like a balloon. You have to use a special foam-flesh-friendly lubricant to poke around in the model’s orifices. Let those words sink in: “foam”, “flesh”, “friendly”. And then add the word “lubricant.” Great stuff, huh?
While I find the torsos hilarious, I am totally embarassed by the little package of silicon testicles (see above). The testicles aren’t peach-pink like the torsos or candy-floss pink like the little cupcake-ish breasts we use to palpate for lumps. The testicles are decidedly flesh-colored. They’re also, uhhh, all alone. And alone in a really sad, rubbery way. I could barely keep myself together as I watched myself and other classmates grab the little tan-colored little rubber baggy, hold them up to the light and poke around for the pea-sized lumps a factory worker in China carefully placed for our education.
I’m pretty comfortable around real people’s genitals and breasts. I’m nervous but mostly really excited about my opportunity to practice pelvic exams with professional “medical teaching assistants” next month at a local Planned Parenthood. The great thing about nurse practitioners also having years of nursing experience is that we’ve made peace with bodies and bodily business.
But I am completely mortified by a rubber ball sack.
*valued at $107!
That makes two of us, sister. TWO OF US.
Be aware… Our “professional medical models” were circus freaks! I am not kidding! I have no idea where they found them! It’s really strange to be touching stuff and having the “patient” guide you to what you should do… Spooky! But, very informative! Have fun!